Family Ties

This month I sat down to have lunch with my grandmother and my uncle.  I haven't seen them since the summer of 1994.  Its been a long 22 years of estrangement.  Estrangement runs in our family.  But as I have walked a journey of recovery, God has showed me that we don't have to be defined by our past.  We can break free from the generational curses that have entangled our families through the years.  It only takes a spark.

Sitting down with my grandmother to lunch was a beautiful experience.  It was healing in ways I could not have predicted.  There was a peace that came from wanting to honor her by greeting her with a kiss on the cheek.  A long-standing Italian tradition I balked at my entire childhood, but was more than willing to indulge as a sign of grace and forgiveness.   There was a meal to share and while I have been on a strict diet since the holidays, I was  willing to compromise it so that I could the love language of my grandmother. . . who has defined much of her life by time laboring in the kitchen.  

I learned alot about relationships during my afternoon at my grandmother's house.  I learned that I could be truly present with someone when I have no expectations of them.  By this I mean, my grandmother is now 90 plus years old and losing her sharpness of mind.  There was not alot we could talk about or discuss in any deep or emotional way because she is just not in that place mentally.  My uncle warned me over and over that she was not who she used to be.  And, over and over I reassured that it was okay.  I was coming with no expectations.  What I learned was a great lesson in how often I bring expectations into my other relationships in life.  There is freedom when we can present our whole selves to the world and engage in relationship without expectations or neediness.  

When I am frustrated in relationships it is often because I am not getting something that I need from that relationship to fill myself up, to complete me, to reassure me, to assist me.  It is when I am seeking to fill myself up with someone other than the One.   Now, I am not saying that we are to be isolated individuals who don't need people.  We were made to be in relationship. . to be in community.  But when we use people to fill the empty places in our lives.  When we need them to validate our worth or demonstrate our value. . . that is when we are using people in ways God never intended.  He intends for us to seek Him first.  But, people have been an idol for me in my life.   I have been very unaware of how much I used people until more recently.  I have used them to feel better about myself.  I have used them to spur me on to something greater. I have used them to feel loved.  I have used them to release anger.  I have used them to help me feel better about myself.  I said that one twice.  Have done that alot!

If I were to have met my grandmother at any point since my dad's passing up to now, I would have probably had an alterior motive in our meeting. I  would have been looking to get something from her to fill in that hole that the loss of my dad left behind.  However, now that I have let my Heavenly Father fill the void that my earthly father left behind.  I am no longer ( well at least not as often!) trying to fill it with others who will never measure up.  

A light shines in the darkness and the darkness can not overcome it.  God is giving me the power to be someone I didn't think I could be,  God is giving me the power to do things I didn't think I could do.  God is giving me the power to say things I didn't think I could say.  I don't know how else to describe it . . but there is a power in me that is greater than in the world.  And by it I am overcoming a legacy that I once thought was insurmountable. 

One year later . . .

A year ago. . . a year ago God met me in the most significantly personal and meaningful way to display His Sovereignty and Faithfulness.  I watched a modern day miracle.  I played a small part in a modern day miracle.  And I can hardly find the words to explain the way my faith grew through watching God move and witness Him save a life before my eyes. 

I think I told you that my father passed away when I was 19.  What I might never have said was that he committed suicide.  And, as tragic as that was, that is only one of many difficult life circumstances I have endured in my life.  So, last March, I was in a season of doing some deep trauma work with a counselor to heal some of the “really” rough memories.  

That day, when I saw Craig laying on the bench, it was a complete reminder of seeing my dad in the coffin for the first time at the funeral home. Of course, I didn’t know that was what was going on in my mind at the time!  It was only a few days later when I went to my counselor and talked through how the event was impacting me that we realized what memories were being triggered that weekend.   You see when I first saw my dad (who was 42 when he died) in the coffin, he didn’t look like himself.   They had styled his hair wrong.  They brushed it back instead of down and parted to the side as he always did.  We were upset that he didn’t look like himself but looked more like my uncle.   And when I saw Craig on the bench at ASBA, he was laying down – raised off the ground (like coffin height), with hair brushed back (like my uncle/dad that one day) and well. . my mind was triggered back to seeing my dad dead for the first time. 

In the session, my counselor asked if Craig looked like my dad – I said no, he actually looks a bit more like my uncle ( who was a few years older and wore his hair back similarly to Craig – when he’s not wearing a ball cap! ).  All of a sudden I realized the connection.  And by this time, we knew Craig was okay. . they had sent an email telling us he was sitting up in the chair.  I guess I tried to picture that in my head as I felt relief from all the stress but instead of relief, it was a complete panic I felt instead.  You see the last time I saw my dad. . . my last image of him alive was of him sitting in the chair of our family room.   So now the two images I had of Craig were directly similar to the two images ( last time alive/first time dead) were the same I had had of my dad. 

So, the type of trauma counseling I have been doing is called EMDR.  They take images from your memory and help release the trauma that got inflicted to the brain from that experience and the associated memories.  They use it on war vets and other folks who have PTSD.   Its complicated. . but amazing at healing the way the brain has stored traumatic memories.  I never would have realized how much healing was needed from seeing my dad if it hadn’t been for that day.  Its not something that I would have listed as a traumatic memory but the relief after that counseling session was tangible and undeniable.   And that was only one part of that experience. . . because Zach was also impacted. 

So that week,  Zach and I were doing a bible lesson on when the Israelites crossed the Jordon River.  In the lesson, it talked about how God dried up the river so they could cross and 12 of the Israelites had been instructed to pick up a stone to serve as a sign.  It said, “in the future when your children ask you, What do these stones mean? Tell them the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord….. the stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” {Joshua 4:6-7}  So Zach didn’t get it.  He was confused and so I thought up a quick example. … it was like 8:30 and I didn’t have the ability to explain all of it so I just said, look at these trophies and pointed to his bookcase with all the baseball trophies sitting on the top shelf.  I said, so imagine 30 years from now you have your own kids and they find these trophies and they want to know about them.  So you will tell them about Ripken and the time you got the gold glove and the silver one and share those stories.   I said, the people of Isreal are picking up stones (not trophies) so that they will always remember to tell their children about what God did for them.  As a stone of remembrance.  I asked him about what God has done that he would want to be sure to tell his children when he gets older.   He said, he would want to tell them about how God saved Coach Craig. . . about Coach Craig’s miracle.   So of course I start to cry and then say. . yes, exactly.  That’s exactly what this story in the bible was about!!!!   So I said, it would be like if there was a rock on your shelf and years from now when we pack up your bookcase and you find the old box of stuff ( like we found Mark’s old baseball trophies in our basebment) you can tell them the story of how you saw God do something and not just the story of the tournament you won at Ripken.

                        

It was so impactful to him,  Zach asked me if he could get a rock and make a stone of remembrance.  I said sure. . the next day he went out under our neighbors deck . . got one of their smooth river rocks and made this rock one side of the rock said God can do all things. . . He is Mighty to Save . . . Coach Craig (with a heart) and he signed and dated it 3/2015.  It sits up on his shelf next to his other trophies. . .

I am so thankful for the way God weaves our paths with others. . . Craig has been a huge part of not only my son’s baseball life but also our family’s life as well.  His life was saved that weekend . . .and I'm sure God increased his faith too. . . and I know he increased mine! 

Sword of the Spirit

Wow!  What a week it has been.  I can't say I know exactly how I battled through it but I know that the final victory came from being at prayer time this morning.

It was weigh in day for me.  In week 5 of the challenge, I hit the goal of dropping 20 lbs and actually even went down to losing 24 lbs.  However, after 'the incident' this weekend with Ryan. . . I gained 3 back in all the stress and found myself digging into the kids easter baskets, skipping meals and generally not getting sleep each night.

This morning after I shared with a friend about how hard this week has really been for me. . I found myself in tears on my drive from the gym to church.

I walked into prayer obviously weighed down by everything.  I said, I need a Word.  I am here just showing up cause its been a hard week and wouldn't you know that we were in the Book of Hebrews this week.  We were in it and I encounted one of my favorite verses, Hebrews 6:19,   "We have this Hope as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure".

So throughout the day, I just kept reciting that verse to myself.  Every hour I recited it.  Over and Over. . I have this hope as an anchor for my soul.   I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul. . . I have this hope as an anchor for my SOUL.  I have this hope as an ANCHOR for my soul.  . . . I have this hope as an anchor for MY soul . . . I have THIS hope as an anchor for my soul.

This hope, His promise is an anchor for me.  It keeps me steady. It keeps me grounded.  It keeps me from drowning in the waves of life.  It keeps me teathered.