I think the thing about that song that gets me is that the lyrics speak such truth. . . "the truth is harder than a lie. . . the dark seems safer than the light. . .and every one has a heart that loves to hide."
I have been hiding behind food for a long time. And I have struggled more since beginning to unpack the hurts of my past. You see when I look at my life there are three things that I used to cope from a very young age. . . food, biting my nails, and anger. God has done a number on resolving my anger issue. Its not gone but there is a sense of peace and calm that has replaced the constant raging that was going on in my mind. But, you see, as I dug deeper and got to the roots of my issues, I leaned on my coping mechanisms in full force. My nails still look a mess and food has been my best friend through these last five years.
The best part (or worse -- it really depends on how you look at it) has been the number of things I have turned to to find relief. I was always looking for something to keep the edge off. . . to lower the anxiety. . . to release the stress. . .to repress the feelings . . . to distract my mind. I have sought relief in so many different areas. I looked for my worth in my performance, in other's approval, in being perfect. And I managed feelings of guilt and shame through anger, alcohol and busyness. But by far the coping mechanism that I have used the longest is food. It was accessible. It was acceptable. It was necessary.
I mean, in some ways it's funny because you can't look at me and not see that there was a struggle. I have been overweight MY. ENTIRE. LIFE. It would be interesting to think back to when it started to show in pictures. . . I remember clearly feeling overweight by 2nd grade. That's the thing about denial. We can't see it. The essence of denial is that you don't know what you don't know. And, breaking out of the denial about my issues with food was so difficult. That was, until I saw it in pictures a few years ago.
In fact, I have pictures that mark when everything really started to go downhill.
This is me with my daughter when she was 6 weeks old.
This is me with my daughter when she was 6 mos old.
This is me with my daughter when she was 1 year old.
That's the thing about pictures. Its hard to deny physical evidence. Its hard to deny what your eyes can see. And I didn't know how bad my addiction to food had gotten. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten.
I can tell you now what happened between when Sydney was 6 mos old and 9 mos old. I had a little breakdown of sorts. I'll save the story for another day. . . but let's just say, you can see it clearly in these pictures that I was dealing with ALOT of feelings by the amount of weight gained in just those quick six months.
So I show up here to tell you honestly. . .that even though I saw these pictures and they showed the depth of the problem food had become in my life. I still didn't move to action. I was powerless to do anything about it . . so I just sank further down into the pit. And ate myself silly while I was down there.
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