Milestones and Setbacks

So.... this week was the 5th week of this challenge that I am in.  And this week we hit the milestone that we were gunning for !!  Lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks.   For some background, the gym that I have been going to has a  6 week challenge in which you alter your eating to a more healthy clean, low-fat, no sugar diet full of lean proteins and green vegetables and good carbs like brown rice, quinoa, yams and baked potatoes. (All of these are gluten free too which is a bonus for me!) Additionally, you work out with them doing high intensity interval training 5 days a week.    I have been hitting all the workouts and following the diet changes fairly well with very few "cheats".  It helps of course that I have been altering my eating for a few months leading up to this challenge.  So this week we did it.  My friend, Lisa and I who have faithfully been doing this journey together both hit the 20lb mark this week!  Yippee!

 But then, today.  Today I hit a roadblock. . . Actually, it feels like I slammed into a wall!

Right now as I type I am feeling soooo sick to my stomach.  I am feeling so bad because today I ate the lunch I had planned ( albeit a few hours late) but I didn't stop there.  I followed it up with a slice of pizza, a handful of tortilla chips, a scoop of ice cream and a chocolate chip cookie.  Oh yes, I just did all that in just three and a half hours! ( hanging my head in shame. . . ).

You see this binge today wasn't just because I decided I needed a fix of sugar or carbs.  These last few hours are glimpse into my life long habit of using food to cope with unmanageable emotions.  Yep, for as long as I can remember food was the biggest source of comfort I knew.  Eating just made things feel better.  It was a reward for a hard day. . . It was the prize after a big accomplishment. . . it was a way to push through the emotions and feelings I had no idea what to do with.  I swallowed my emotions back like tears and ate my feelings with a side of fries.  Using food to cope is the path I took to arrive at the intersection of unhealthy and overweight.  

So today. . . today my binge was brought to you by a trip to the ER with my youngest son.

 There is something about the feeling of being powerless to my children's pain that does something within me. I just didn't have the ability to handle it emotionally.   I mean I did what I have learned. . what God has showed me to do in times of struggle.  That is, to turn to Him and to the people He has given me for this journey.  A text message went out. . prayers were requested. . . prayers for peace were lifted and answered and yet. . . I came back into this house after the ordeal was over and found myself stuffing my face with everything in sight - looking for relief. . .for comfort. . .for an escape from the feelings that were too big for me to handle. And so I turned to food and in turn feel like a failure.

But I have been in this shame pit before.  And I know the only way to silence the shame in my head is to speak it out loud and put a voice to it.  So that is why I am here writing tonight.  Coming here to write the truth is the first thing I did when I realized the pain in my stomach became the voice of my shame. . of my regret. . . of my failure.  I am not going to let the Enemy have the last word.

I know now not to let myself wallow in despair or run through the 'what ifs' or let the Enemy tell me I am a failure and I will never win this battle against food.  No.  I will cling to Hope and pick up the sword of the Spirit and in truth, proclaim His promises over my life.  I will declare that His grace is sufficient for me.  I will remember His mercies are new every morning.  And I will know that no temptation will overtake me except what is common to man.  God s faithful and will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear.  He WILL provide a way out.  He IS providing a way out.  He has provided the ultimate way out of a life trapped by sin and death and that is what I am STILL celebrating again this Sunday.  Every Sunday we celebrate Resurrection Sunday.   Tonight, I am going to bed singing the praises of my Father in Heaven who loves me too much to leave me this way!

If I'm honest . . part 2

Denial.   Denial looks at this picture and doesn't see that I am well over double the size of the other two women at this table.  Praise God he has broken through the chains of destructive lies that held me longing for food to continue to deal with all my hurts, habits and hangups.  Praise God there is a way out that includes not only restoring my spiritual health, but my physical health as well!  And Praise God that he broke through the denial and empowered me to do something about the way I felt when I saw the reality of my life as reflected in this picture. 

THIS  picture really messed with me.  These are two ladies I love.  We are doing something that I love (scrapbooking).   And I enjoyed myself immensely that weekend -- that is until I saw this picture.   I sunk deep into a pit of shame about how I looked when I saw this picture.  That weekend was full of beautiful conversations, loving encouragement and smiles and laughter.  It was soooo enjoyable.  And yet, when I received this picture after we left our time together, I was left with a scarring memory of my time with these cherished friends.   I felt less than.  I felt unworthy.  I felt inadequate.  I felt ashamed.

That weekend was around the time when I was beginning to come face to face with the GI issues I had been having for a few months.  It was also right smack in the middle of my fight with God about the way He was choosing to help me with my food issues. I felt God was answering my prayers for relief from my food issues but I wasn't interested in the way in which He was doing it.  I was rebelling against the ways in which He was guiding me to turn away from food and towards Him for the comfort I need when emotional stresses, relational difficulties and the worries of the day strike. He was showing me how much food was messing with me.

This picture will hopefully be the before picture I use one day. . .