Milestones and Setbacks

So.... this week was the 5th week of this challenge that I am in.  And this week we hit the milestone that we were gunning for !!  Lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks.   For some background, the gym that I have been going to has a  6 week challenge in which you alter your eating to a more healthy clean, low-fat, no sugar diet full of lean proteins and green vegetables and good carbs like brown rice, quinoa, yams and baked potatoes. (All of these are gluten free too which is a bonus for me!) Additionally, you work out with them doing high intensity interval training 5 days a week.    I have been hitting all the workouts and following the diet changes fairly well with very few "cheats".  It helps of course that I have been altering my eating for a few months leading up to this challenge.  So this week we did it.  My friend, Lisa and I who have faithfully been doing this journey together both hit the 20lb mark this week!  Yippee!

 But then, today.  Today I hit a roadblock. . . Actually, it feels like I slammed into a wall!

Right now as I type I am feeling soooo sick to my stomach.  I am feeling so bad because today I ate the lunch I had planned ( albeit a few hours late) but I didn't stop there.  I followed it up with a slice of pizza, a handful of tortilla chips, a scoop of ice cream and a chocolate chip cookie.  Oh yes, I just did all that in just three and a half hours! ( hanging my head in shame. . . ).

You see this binge today wasn't just because I decided I needed a fix of sugar or carbs.  These last few hours are glimpse into my life long habit of using food to cope with unmanageable emotions.  Yep, for as long as I can remember food was the biggest source of comfort I knew.  Eating just made things feel better.  It was a reward for a hard day. . . It was the prize after a big accomplishment. . . it was a way to push through the emotions and feelings I had no idea what to do with.  I swallowed my emotions back like tears and ate my feelings with a side of fries.  Using food to cope is the path I took to arrive at the intersection of unhealthy and overweight.  

So today. . . today my binge was brought to you by a trip to the ER with my youngest son.

 There is something about the feeling of being powerless to my children's pain that does something within me. I just didn't have the ability to handle it emotionally.   I mean I did what I have learned. . what God has showed me to do in times of struggle.  That is, to turn to Him and to the people He has given me for this journey.  A text message went out. . prayers were requested. . . prayers for peace were lifted and answered and yet. . . I came back into this house after the ordeal was over and found myself stuffing my face with everything in sight - looking for relief. . .for comfort. . .for an escape from the feelings that were too big for me to handle. And so I turned to food and in turn feel like a failure.

But I have been in this shame pit before.  And I know the only way to silence the shame in my head is to speak it out loud and put a voice to it.  So that is why I am here writing tonight.  Coming here to write the truth is the first thing I did when I realized the pain in my stomach became the voice of my shame. . of my regret. . . of my failure.  I am not going to let the Enemy have the last word.

I know now not to let myself wallow in despair or run through the 'what ifs' or let the Enemy tell me I am a failure and I will never win this battle against food.  No.  I will cling to Hope and pick up the sword of the Spirit and in truth, proclaim His promises over my life.  I will declare that His grace is sufficient for me.  I will remember His mercies are new every morning.  And I will know that no temptation will overtake me except what is common to man.  God s faithful and will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear.  He WILL provide a way out.  He IS providing a way out.  He has provided the ultimate way out of a life trapped by sin and death and that is what I am STILL celebrating again this Sunday.  Every Sunday we celebrate Resurrection Sunday.   Tonight, I am going to bed singing the praises of my Father in Heaven who loves me too much to leave me this way!