Family Ties

This month I sat down to have lunch with my grandmother and my uncle.  I haven't seen them since the summer of 1994.  Its been a long 22 years of estrangement.  Estrangement runs in our family.  But as I have walked a journey of recovery, God has showed me that we don't have to be defined by our past.  We can break free from the generational curses that have entangled our families through the years.  It only takes a spark.

Sitting down with my grandmother to lunch was a beautiful experience.  It was healing in ways I could not have predicted.  There was a peace that came from wanting to honor her by greeting her with a kiss on the cheek.  A long-standing Italian tradition I balked at my entire childhood, but was more than willing to indulge as a sign of grace and forgiveness.   There was a meal to share and while I have been on a strict diet since the holidays, I was  willing to compromise it so that I could the love language of my grandmother. . . who has defined much of her life by time laboring in the kitchen.  

I learned alot about relationships during my afternoon at my grandmother's house.  I learned that I could be truly present with someone when I have no expectations of them.  By this I mean, my grandmother is now 90 plus years old and losing her sharpness of mind.  There was not alot we could talk about or discuss in any deep or emotional way because she is just not in that place mentally.  My uncle warned me over and over that she was not who she used to be.  And, over and over I reassured that it was okay.  I was coming with no expectations.  What I learned was a great lesson in how often I bring expectations into my other relationships in life.  There is freedom when we can present our whole selves to the world and engage in relationship without expectations or neediness.  

When I am frustrated in relationships it is often because I am not getting something that I need from that relationship to fill myself up, to complete me, to reassure me, to assist me.  It is when I am seeking to fill myself up with someone other than the One.   Now, I am not saying that we are to be isolated individuals who don't need people.  We were made to be in relationship. . to be in community.  But when we use people to fill the empty places in our lives.  When we need them to validate our worth or demonstrate our value. . . that is when we are using people in ways God never intended.  He intends for us to seek Him first.  But, people have been an idol for me in my life.   I have been very unaware of how much I used people until more recently.  I have used them to feel better about myself.  I have used them to spur me on to something greater. I have used them to feel loved.  I have used them to release anger.  I have used them to help me feel better about myself.  I said that one twice.  Have done that alot!

If I were to have met my grandmother at any point since my dad's passing up to now, I would have probably had an alterior motive in our meeting. I  would have been looking to get something from her to fill in that hole that the loss of my dad left behind.  However, now that I have let my Heavenly Father fill the void that my earthly father left behind.  I am no longer ( well at least not as often!) trying to fill it with others who will never measure up.  

A light shines in the darkness and the darkness can not overcome it.  God is giving me the power to be someone I didn't think I could be,  God is giving me the power to do things I didn't think I could do.  God is giving me the power to say things I didn't think I could say.  I don't know how else to describe it . . but there is a power in me that is greater than in the world.  And by it I am overcoming a legacy that I once thought was insurmountable. 

One year later . . .

A year ago. . . a year ago God met me in the most significantly personal and meaningful way to display His Sovereignty and Faithfulness.  I watched a modern day miracle.  I played a small part in a modern day miracle.  And I can hardly find the words to explain the way my faith grew through watching God move and witness Him save a life before my eyes. 

I think I told you that my father passed away when I was 19.  What I might never have said was that he committed suicide.  And, as tragic as that was, that is only one of many difficult life circumstances I have endured in my life.  So, last March, I was in a season of doing some deep trauma work with a counselor to heal some of the “really” rough memories.  

That day, when I saw Craig laying on the bench, it was a complete reminder of seeing my dad in the coffin for the first time at the funeral home. Of course, I didn’t know that was what was going on in my mind at the time!  It was only a few days later when I went to my counselor and talked through how the event was impacting me that we realized what memories were being triggered that weekend.   You see when I first saw my dad (who was 42 when he died) in the coffin, he didn’t look like himself.   They had styled his hair wrong.  They brushed it back instead of down and parted to the side as he always did.  We were upset that he didn’t look like himself but looked more like my uncle.   And when I saw Craig on the bench at ASBA, he was laying down – raised off the ground (like coffin height), with hair brushed back (like my uncle/dad that one day) and well. . my mind was triggered back to seeing my dad dead for the first time. 

In the session, my counselor asked if Craig looked like my dad – I said no, he actually looks a bit more like my uncle ( who was a few years older and wore his hair back similarly to Craig – when he’s not wearing a ball cap! ).  All of a sudden I realized the connection.  And by this time, we knew Craig was okay. . they had sent an email telling us he was sitting up in the chair.  I guess I tried to picture that in my head as I felt relief from all the stress but instead of relief, it was a complete panic I felt instead.  You see the last time I saw my dad. . . my last image of him alive was of him sitting in the chair of our family room.   So now the two images I had of Craig were directly similar to the two images ( last time alive/first time dead) were the same I had had of my dad. 

So, the type of trauma counseling I have been doing is called EMDR.  They take images from your memory and help release the trauma that got inflicted to the brain from that experience and the associated memories.  They use it on war vets and other folks who have PTSD.   Its complicated. . but amazing at healing the way the brain has stored traumatic memories.  I never would have realized how much healing was needed from seeing my dad if it hadn’t been for that day.  Its not something that I would have listed as a traumatic memory but the relief after that counseling session was tangible and undeniable.   And that was only one part of that experience. . . because Zach was also impacted. 

So that week,  Zach and I were doing a bible lesson on when the Israelites crossed the Jordon River.  In the lesson, it talked about how God dried up the river so they could cross and 12 of the Israelites had been instructed to pick up a stone to serve as a sign.  It said, “in the future when your children ask you, What do these stones mean? Tell them the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord….. the stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” {Joshua 4:6-7}  So Zach didn’t get it.  He was confused and so I thought up a quick example. … it was like 8:30 and I didn’t have the ability to explain all of it so I just said, look at these trophies and pointed to his bookcase with all the baseball trophies sitting on the top shelf.  I said, so imagine 30 years from now you have your own kids and they find these trophies and they want to know about them.  So you will tell them about Ripken and the time you got the gold glove and the silver one and share those stories.   I said, the people of Isreal are picking up stones (not trophies) so that they will always remember to tell their children about what God did for them.  As a stone of remembrance.  I asked him about what God has done that he would want to be sure to tell his children when he gets older.   He said, he would want to tell them about how God saved Coach Craig. . . about Coach Craig’s miracle.   So of course I start to cry and then say. . yes, exactly.  That’s exactly what this story in the bible was about!!!!   So I said, it would be like if there was a rock on your shelf and years from now when we pack up your bookcase and you find the old box of stuff ( like we found Mark’s old baseball trophies in our basebment) you can tell them the story of how you saw God do something and not just the story of the tournament you won at Ripken.

                        

It was so impactful to him,  Zach asked me if he could get a rock and make a stone of remembrance.  I said sure. . the next day he went out under our neighbors deck . . got one of their smooth river rocks and made this rock one side of the rock said God can do all things. . . He is Mighty to Save . . . Coach Craig (with a heart) and he signed and dated it 3/2015.  It sits up on his shelf next to his other trophies. . .

I am so thankful for the way God weaves our paths with others. . . Craig has been a huge part of not only my son’s baseball life but also our family’s life as well.  His life was saved that weekend . . .and I'm sure God increased his faith too. . . and I know he increased mine! 

Sword of the Spirit

Wow!  What a week it has been.  I can't say I know exactly how I battled through it but I know that the final victory came from being at prayer time this morning.

It was weigh in day for me.  In week 5 of the challenge, I hit the goal of dropping 20 lbs and actually even went down to losing 24 lbs.  However, after 'the incident' this weekend with Ryan. . . I gained 3 back in all the stress and found myself digging into the kids easter baskets, skipping meals and generally not getting sleep each night.

This morning after I shared with a friend about how hard this week has really been for me. . I found myself in tears on my drive from the gym to church.

I walked into prayer obviously weighed down by everything.  I said, I need a Word.  I am here just showing up cause its been a hard week and wouldn't you know that we were in the Book of Hebrews this week.  We were in it and I encounted one of my favorite verses, Hebrews 6:19,   "We have this Hope as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure".

So throughout the day, I just kept reciting that verse to myself.  Every hour I recited it.  Over and Over. . I have this hope as an anchor for my soul.   I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul. . . I have this hope as an anchor for my SOUL.  I have this hope as an ANCHOR for my soul.  . . . I have this hope as an anchor for MY soul . . . I have THIS hope as an anchor for my soul.

This hope, His promise is an anchor for me.  It keeps me steady. It keeps me grounded.  It keeps me from drowning in the waves of life.  It keeps me teathered.

Milestones and Setbacks

So.... this week was the 5th week of this challenge that I am in.  And this week we hit the milestone that we were gunning for !!  Lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks.   For some background, the gym that I have been going to has a  6 week challenge in which you alter your eating to a more healthy clean, low-fat, no sugar diet full of lean proteins and green vegetables and good carbs like brown rice, quinoa, yams and baked potatoes. (All of these are gluten free too which is a bonus for me!) Additionally, you work out with them doing high intensity interval training 5 days a week.    I have been hitting all the workouts and following the diet changes fairly well with very few "cheats".  It helps of course that I have been altering my eating for a few months leading up to this challenge.  So this week we did it.  My friend, Lisa and I who have faithfully been doing this journey together both hit the 20lb mark this week!  Yippee!

 But then, today.  Today I hit a roadblock. . . Actually, it feels like I slammed into a wall!

Right now as I type I am feeling soooo sick to my stomach.  I am feeling so bad because today I ate the lunch I had planned ( albeit a few hours late) but I didn't stop there.  I followed it up with a slice of pizza, a handful of tortilla chips, a scoop of ice cream and a chocolate chip cookie.  Oh yes, I just did all that in just three and a half hours! ( hanging my head in shame. . . ).

You see this binge today wasn't just because I decided I needed a fix of sugar or carbs.  These last few hours are glimpse into my life long habit of using food to cope with unmanageable emotions.  Yep, for as long as I can remember food was the biggest source of comfort I knew.  Eating just made things feel better.  It was a reward for a hard day. . . It was the prize after a big accomplishment. . . it was a way to push through the emotions and feelings I had no idea what to do with.  I swallowed my emotions back like tears and ate my feelings with a side of fries.  Using food to cope is the path I took to arrive at the intersection of unhealthy and overweight.  

So today. . . today my binge was brought to you by a trip to the ER with my youngest son.

 There is something about the feeling of being powerless to my children's pain that does something within me. I just didn't have the ability to handle it emotionally.   I mean I did what I have learned. . what God has showed me to do in times of struggle.  That is, to turn to Him and to the people He has given me for this journey.  A text message went out. . prayers were requested. . . prayers for peace were lifted and answered and yet. . . I came back into this house after the ordeal was over and found myself stuffing my face with everything in sight - looking for relief. . .for comfort. . .for an escape from the feelings that were too big for me to handle. And so I turned to food and in turn feel like a failure.

But I have been in this shame pit before.  And I know the only way to silence the shame in my head is to speak it out loud and put a voice to it.  So that is why I am here writing tonight.  Coming here to write the truth is the first thing I did when I realized the pain in my stomach became the voice of my shame. . of my regret. . . of my failure.  I am not going to let the Enemy have the last word.

I know now not to let myself wallow in despair or run through the 'what ifs' or let the Enemy tell me I am a failure and I will never win this battle against food.  No.  I will cling to Hope and pick up the sword of the Spirit and in truth, proclaim His promises over my life.  I will declare that His grace is sufficient for me.  I will remember His mercies are new every morning.  And I will know that no temptation will overtake me except what is common to man.  God s faithful and will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear.  He WILL provide a way out.  He IS providing a way out.  He has provided the ultimate way out of a life trapped by sin and death and that is what I am STILL celebrating again this Sunday.  Every Sunday we celebrate Resurrection Sunday.   Tonight, I am going to bed singing the praises of my Father in Heaven who loves me too much to leave me this way!

If I'm honest . . part 2

Denial.   Denial looks at this picture and doesn't see that I am well over double the size of the other two women at this table.  Praise God he has broken through the chains of destructive lies that held me longing for food to continue to deal with all my hurts, habits and hangups.  Praise God there is a way out that includes not only restoring my spiritual health, but my physical health as well!  And Praise God that he broke through the denial and empowered me to do something about the way I felt when I saw the reality of my life as reflected in this picture. 

THIS  picture really messed with me.  These are two ladies I love.  We are doing something that I love (scrapbooking).   And I enjoyed myself immensely that weekend -- that is until I saw this picture.   I sunk deep into a pit of shame about how I looked when I saw this picture.  That weekend was full of beautiful conversations, loving encouragement and smiles and laughter.  It was soooo enjoyable.  And yet, when I received this picture after we left our time together, I was left with a scarring memory of my time with these cherished friends.   I felt less than.  I felt unworthy.  I felt inadequate.  I felt ashamed.

That weekend was around the time when I was beginning to come face to face with the GI issues I had been having for a few months.  It was also right smack in the middle of my fight with God about the way He was choosing to help me with my food issues. I felt God was answering my prayers for relief from my food issues but I wasn't interested in the way in which He was doing it.  I was rebelling against the ways in which He was guiding me to turn away from food and towards Him for the comfort I need when emotional stresses, relational difficulties and the worries of the day strike. He was showing me how much food was messing with me.

This picture will hopefully be the before picture I use one day. . .

If I'm honest. . . part 1

I love that new song by Francesca Battistelli called If We're Honest.  . . its just beautiful and I have listened to it many many times over the last six months.

I think the thing about that song that gets me is that the lyrics speak such truth. . . "the truth is harder than a lie. . . the dark seems safer than the light. . .and every one has a heart that loves to hide."

I have been hiding behind food for a long time.  And I have struggled more since beginning to unpack the hurts of my past.  You see when I look at my life there are three things that I used to cope from a very young age. . . food, biting my nails, and anger.   God has done a number on resolving my anger issue.  Its not gone but there is a sense of peace and calm that has replaced the constant raging that was going on in my mind.  But, you see, as I dug deeper and got to the roots of my issues, I leaned on my coping mechanisms in full force.  My nails still look a mess and food has been my best friend through these last five years.

 The best part (or worse -- it really depends on how you look at it) has been the number of things I have turned to to find relief.  I was always looking for something to keep the edge off. . .  to lower the anxiety. . . to release the stress. . .to repress the feelings . . . to distract my mind.  I have sought relief in so many different areas.  I looked for my worth in my performance, in other's approval, in being perfect.   And I managed feelings of guilt and shame through anger, alcohol and busyness.  But by far the coping mechanism that I have used the longest is food.  It was accessible. It was acceptable.  It was necessary.

I mean, in some ways it's funny because you can't look at me and not see that there was a struggle.  I have been overweight MY. ENTIRE. LIFE.  It would be interesting to think back to when it started to show in pictures. . . I remember clearly feeling overweight by 2nd grade.  That's the thing about denial.  We can't see it.  The essence of denial is that you don't know what you don't know.   And, breaking out of the denial about my issues with food was so difficult.   That was, until I saw it in pictures a few years ago.


 In fact, I have pictures that mark when everything really started to go downhill.


This is me with my daughter when she was 6 weeks old.










This is me with my daughter when she was 6 mos old.



This is me with my daughter when she was 1 year old.



That's the thing about pictures.  Its hard to deny physical evidence.  Its hard to deny what your eyes can see.  And I didn't know how bad my addiction to food had gotten.  I didn't realize how bad things had gotten.

I can tell you now what happened between when Sydney was 6 mos old and 9 mos old.  I had a little breakdown of sorts.  I'll save the story for another day. . . but let's just say, you can see it clearly in these pictures that I was dealing with ALOT of feelings by the amount of weight gained in just those quick six months.

So I show up here to tell you honestly. . .that even though I saw these pictures and they showed the depth of the problem food had become in my life.  I still didn't move to action.  I was powerless to do anything about it . . so I just sank further down into the pit.  And ate myself silly while I was down there.

Changed . . .

January 31st, 2016

He is Mighty to Save.

So today I am still standing in awe of everything I watched God do this weekend.  I can say that after watching God show up over and over the last few years, it never gets old.  And yet, it continues to surprise me and astound me.   

About six months ago a number of us from our church, along with our pastor, began meeting at 6:30 am to pray in what started out to be 30 days of prayer.  Which turned into 40 days of prayer.  Which turned into praying through the Psalms.  Which turned into a morning prayer group that has no foreseeable end in sight.  Corporate prayer is a thing of beauty.  For me, learning to pray out loud was a practice that took time.  Then, there was learning to pray kingdom sized prayers.   The wise and godly men and women from this morning prayer group have changed me and taught me so much about how to pray.  No longer do I see prayer as big lofty hopes for my dreams to be reality, no longer are they just requests for the little things that impact my day to day life or even the pleas to God for the people in my life in desperate situations. No kingdom prayers are unique.  They call to the God of the Universe to reveal Himself. . . to make known His name among the nation. . to draw His people to Himself. . . to live and move and breathe among us in ways that we can see and feel and experience first hand.    We pray for Him to inhabit our worship and to make himself known in real and tangible ways among us.  

We have prayed for many things. . . . We have prayed as a church to have a heart of repentance,  for a renewed spirit, for restoration of our communities, for redemption of God's people.  But mostly, we have prayed to catch a greater glimpse of God moving.  Moving in our own lives, in the lives of those close to us, in the families that attend our church and in the greater body of believers in Southern Chester County.    

We pray because prayer changes things.  And the most important thing I've seen it change. . .is ME! Somewhere along these last six months I learned that the best way to start my day is in praise and prayer.  And the best way to end my day is in repentance and thanksgiving.  

I don't think I can use words to describe what it looked like to witness the Spirit move through our congregation this past Sunday.  Between the two services, there were over 50 people who got up declared their faith in Christ and obeyed the Lord's command to "Repent and be baptized" from Acts 2 as we were learning that morning.  I spent the majority of the morning with my hands raised in praise and my eyes flooded with tears.  The Spirit's presence was tangible in a way I have never experienced before.  Without words. . .  I just took to music to express the joy I felt in my heart watching the Lord draw people to a deepening relationship with Himself.

Jordan Feliz's song captured it best and my favorite line of that song is .Let's go down to the river. . . You will leave changed. . . never the same!

There's not a soul who entered that worship center this past Sunday who did not leave changed!  Praise God! 

And so it goes. . .

Hey there.  . can I ask for some prayers?  I am on the cusp of something again.  I mean hasn't this entire last five plus years.  . . no ten plus years. .  or maybe 20 plus years.  Oh . . the whole things has been a journey leading me right to where I am today.   But, tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to be taking a big leap.  Another leap of faith.  And the irony of it being leap day is not lost on me.  It might very well take the better part of the next four years for God to do in me what He needs to.  But I am going to keep leaning on Him.  I will set down an Ebenezer stone and declare that

 'Thus far the Lord has helped me'  

 But. . obedience and faith are often accompanied by fear.  So, as I choose to follow Him towards writing this and towards sharing  this journey more publicly, I am struggling with fear of failure.  I am struggling with fear of inadequacy.  I am struggling with the vulnerability of it all.  I don't know. The Lord is laying it on my heart to write through this journey.  The ups and downs.  The peaks and valleys, knowing that only by His Grace will I overcome the obstacles that lie ahead of me.  And that the words of my testimony will be what brings Him the most glory.  So much of my journey has been a soundtrack.  And last year, Overcome by Jeremy Camp is the soundtrack I used to listen to every time I got on the treadmill.  So beginning another step towards getting healthy reminds me of that song.  So here I go. . taking a step out of the boat and onto the water to walk towards Him.  If I want to find comfort. . lasting comfort.. . .

 I know its not going to come from a piece of food, but rather the peace of Christ. 

And the vulnerability of writing about this journey is too big for me to even let more than a few of you know.  But. . again I keep hearing a song.   So, I have had so many reminders of this blog.  Every time 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman comes on I am reminded of it.  Its right there at 40 seconds in.. . . this blog I started back 8 years ago.  I was reminded of this blog during the first weekend of February when I attended the IF:Gathering at church.  I knew I was going to hear from God.  He has spoken to me so clearly the last three years through this gathering of women who are seeking after God.  We sang it twice that weekend I think.  And immediately I remembered that I indeed attempt to write before.  But as with my way, I tried to ignore it.  I tried to push that still small voice to the background.  But thankfully we worship a God who is relentless in leading us on his path.  Well, last weekend it played on Friday when I went to CR to give my testimony at Christ Community Church.  It played on Sunday at church.  It played on Monday at Willowdale CR.  I mean. . how many times?  I knew I needed to get back on here and write and pour out my thoughts and feelings as I go on this journey.

So . . .  here we go.   A new day is dawning. . . . may it glorify His name.

Seek you first . . .

okay. . . so when I sat down with my bible study homework the other day. . . knowing quite well I would be beginning this journey to physical health and wellness I wrote out this prayer.

Father God. . . I want to seek you first. . . before the approval of others, before the comfort of food, before the personal glory of my own accomplishments.  Lord, I don't want to do things that I can accomplish on my own strength.  I want to be stretched.  I want to experience you more deeply.  Lord - only your will - and I want to seek you and if you don't go before me - this will be yet another attempt of self-sufficiency or personal accomplishment.  Lord, only through you is it possible to transform the parts of my self that seeks a piece of food over the peace of Christ.   Lord I lay this at your feet and thank you for the humble ability to take this leap and to rely on you and learn from others who have gone before me in how to care for my body as the temple of your Holy Spirit.

Lord you have been at work in my life taking me on a journey of spiritual health and wholeness. . . and you have provided me so many avenues and people to assist me obtain more freedom in my emotional health. . and Father God the work you have done - and continue to do - in my relational health and well being. . far exceeds anything I could have dreamed of.  But you are a God of the impossible and I present to you this next hurdle. . mountain if you will. . . my physical health and wellness Lord.  Lead me I pray keeping me clinging to your promise that He who began a good work would carry it on to the day of Christ Jesus.  Praise be to God our Father. . the God of all compassion who comforts us in all our troubles.  Thank you Jesus for making a way forward.

A new day is dawning

September 2014

So I have this space. . . I carved this little place out of the internet over 5 years ago and here I am drawn back into it.  Truth be told, I am reading a book called Undaunted and in it Christine Caine tells her story.  The story of how God took a life that seemed to be perfectly fine, content and shook it all up.  Her name is Christine. . and in the book she shared that despite learning she was adopted and un-named at birth . . . God knew her before she was born. . . He knit her in her mother's womb.  He knew her innermost parts.  Her name comes from the Greek and Latin  "Christ follower".   And over the past few years, I have found Christ reminding me that my even before I was born he called me, he named me, he chose me, and called me and has given me a purpose.  And one of those purposes is to share and tell stories.  To share the story that God has been writing on my heart during my lifetime to share with others.  So today I am going to begin. . . begin to revisit this space where I can write out my thoughts and dreams, hopes and prayers, revelations and responses about where God is taking me in this journey.  As Ephesians 2:10 says. . .I am God's masterpeice, his workmanship, created to do good works planned in advance.   So I begin a journey to share the discovery of those plans . . . as I seek to follow God and trust Jesus with my future.  I am going to write down and journal His story in my life knowing that a new day is in fact dawning. . . . knowing that He who began this good work in me has promised to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.