Milestones and Setbacks

So.... this week was the 5th week of this challenge that I am in.  And this week we hit the milestone that we were gunning for !!  Lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks.   For some background, the gym that I have been going to has a  6 week challenge in which you alter your eating to a more healthy clean, low-fat, no sugar diet full of lean proteins and green vegetables and good carbs like brown rice, quinoa, yams and baked potatoes. (All of these are gluten free too which is a bonus for me!) Additionally, you work out with them doing high intensity interval training 5 days a week.    I have been hitting all the workouts and following the diet changes fairly well with very few "cheats".  It helps of course that I have been altering my eating for a few months leading up to this challenge.  So this week we did it.  My friend, Lisa and I who have faithfully been doing this journey together both hit the 20lb mark this week!  Yippee!

 But then, today.  Today I hit a roadblock. . . Actually, it feels like I slammed into a wall!

Right now as I type I am feeling soooo sick to my stomach.  I am feeling so bad because today I ate the lunch I had planned ( albeit a few hours late) but I didn't stop there.  I followed it up with a slice of pizza, a handful of tortilla chips, a scoop of ice cream and a chocolate chip cookie.  Oh yes, I just did all that in just three and a half hours! ( hanging my head in shame. . . ).

You see this binge today wasn't just because I decided I needed a fix of sugar or carbs.  These last few hours are glimpse into my life long habit of using food to cope with unmanageable emotions.  Yep, for as long as I can remember food was the biggest source of comfort I knew.  Eating just made things feel better.  It was a reward for a hard day. . . It was the prize after a big accomplishment. . . it was a way to push through the emotions and feelings I had no idea what to do with.  I swallowed my emotions back like tears and ate my feelings with a side of fries.  Using food to cope is the path I took to arrive at the intersection of unhealthy and overweight.  

So today. . . today my binge was brought to you by a trip to the ER with my youngest son.

 There is something about the feeling of being powerless to my children's pain that does something within me. I just didn't have the ability to handle it emotionally.   I mean I did what I have learned. . what God has showed me to do in times of struggle.  That is, to turn to Him and to the people He has given me for this journey.  A text message went out. . prayers were requested. . . prayers for peace were lifted and answered and yet. . . I came back into this house after the ordeal was over and found myself stuffing my face with everything in sight - looking for relief. . .for comfort. . .for an escape from the feelings that were too big for me to handle. And so I turned to food and in turn feel like a failure.

But I have been in this shame pit before.  And I know the only way to silence the shame in my head is to speak it out loud and put a voice to it.  So that is why I am here writing tonight.  Coming here to write the truth is the first thing I did when I realized the pain in my stomach became the voice of my shame. . of my regret. . . of my failure.  I am not going to let the Enemy have the last word.

I know now not to let myself wallow in despair or run through the 'what ifs' or let the Enemy tell me I am a failure and I will never win this battle against food.  No.  I will cling to Hope and pick up the sword of the Spirit and in truth, proclaim His promises over my life.  I will declare that His grace is sufficient for me.  I will remember His mercies are new every morning.  And I will know that no temptation will overtake me except what is common to man.  God s faithful and will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear.  He WILL provide a way out.  He IS providing a way out.  He has provided the ultimate way out of a life trapped by sin and death and that is what I am STILL celebrating again this Sunday.  Every Sunday we celebrate Resurrection Sunday.   Tonight, I am going to bed singing the praises of my Father in Heaven who loves me too much to leave me this way!

If I'm honest . . part 2

Denial.   Denial looks at this picture and doesn't see that I am well over double the size of the other two women at this table.  Praise God he has broken through the chains of destructive lies that held me longing for food to continue to deal with all my hurts, habits and hangups.  Praise God there is a way out that includes not only restoring my spiritual health, but my physical health as well!  And Praise God that he broke through the denial and empowered me to do something about the way I felt when I saw the reality of my life as reflected in this picture. 

THIS  picture really messed with me.  These are two ladies I love.  We are doing something that I love (scrapbooking).   And I enjoyed myself immensely that weekend -- that is until I saw this picture.   I sunk deep into a pit of shame about how I looked when I saw this picture.  That weekend was full of beautiful conversations, loving encouragement and smiles and laughter.  It was soooo enjoyable.  And yet, when I received this picture after we left our time together, I was left with a scarring memory of my time with these cherished friends.   I felt less than.  I felt unworthy.  I felt inadequate.  I felt ashamed.

That weekend was around the time when I was beginning to come face to face with the GI issues I had been having for a few months.  It was also right smack in the middle of my fight with God about the way He was choosing to help me with my food issues. I felt God was answering my prayers for relief from my food issues but I wasn't interested in the way in which He was doing it.  I was rebelling against the ways in which He was guiding me to turn away from food and towards Him for the comfort I need when emotional stresses, relational difficulties and the worries of the day strike. He was showing me how much food was messing with me.

This picture will hopefully be the before picture I use one day. . .

If I'm honest. . . part 1

I love that new song by Francesca Battistelli called If We're Honest.  . . its just beautiful and I have listened to it many many times over the last six months.

I think the thing about that song that gets me is that the lyrics speak such truth. . . "the truth is harder than a lie. . . the dark seems safer than the light. . .and every one has a heart that loves to hide."

I have been hiding behind food for a long time.  And I have struggled more since beginning to unpack the hurts of my past.  You see when I look at my life there are three things that I used to cope from a very young age. . . food, biting my nails, and anger.   God has done a number on resolving my anger issue.  Its not gone but there is a sense of peace and calm that has replaced the constant raging that was going on in my mind.  But, you see, as I dug deeper and got to the roots of my issues, I leaned on my coping mechanisms in full force.  My nails still look a mess and food has been my best friend through these last five years.

 The best part (or worse -- it really depends on how you look at it) has been the number of things I have turned to to find relief.  I was always looking for something to keep the edge off. . .  to lower the anxiety. . . to release the stress. . .to repress the feelings . . . to distract my mind.  I have sought relief in so many different areas.  I looked for my worth in my performance, in other's approval, in being perfect.   And I managed feelings of guilt and shame through anger, alcohol and busyness.  But by far the coping mechanism that I have used the longest is food.  It was accessible. It was acceptable.  It was necessary.

I mean, in some ways it's funny because you can't look at me and not see that there was a struggle.  I have been overweight MY. ENTIRE. LIFE.  It would be interesting to think back to when it started to show in pictures. . . I remember clearly feeling overweight by 2nd grade.  That's the thing about denial.  We can't see it.  The essence of denial is that you don't know what you don't know.   And, breaking out of the denial about my issues with food was so difficult.   That was, until I saw it in pictures a few years ago.


 In fact, I have pictures that mark when everything really started to go downhill.


This is me with my daughter when she was 6 weeks old.










This is me with my daughter when she was 6 mos old.



This is me with my daughter when she was 1 year old.



That's the thing about pictures.  Its hard to deny physical evidence.  Its hard to deny what your eyes can see.  And I didn't know how bad my addiction to food had gotten.  I didn't realize how bad things had gotten.

I can tell you now what happened between when Sydney was 6 mos old and 9 mos old.  I had a little breakdown of sorts.  I'll save the story for another day. . . but let's just say, you can see it clearly in these pictures that I was dealing with ALOT of feelings by the amount of weight gained in just those quick six months.

So I show up here to tell you honestly. . .that even though I saw these pictures and they showed the depth of the problem food had become in my life.  I still didn't move to action.  I was powerless to do anything about it . . so I just sank further down into the pit.  And ate myself silly while I was down there.

Changed . . .

January 31st, 2016

He is Mighty to Save.

So today I am still standing in awe of everything I watched God do this weekend.  I can say that after watching God show up over and over the last few years, it never gets old.  And yet, it continues to surprise me and astound me.   

About six months ago a number of us from our church, along with our pastor, began meeting at 6:30 am to pray in what started out to be 30 days of prayer.  Which turned into 40 days of prayer.  Which turned into praying through the Psalms.  Which turned into a morning prayer group that has no foreseeable end in sight.  Corporate prayer is a thing of beauty.  For me, learning to pray out loud was a practice that took time.  Then, there was learning to pray kingdom sized prayers.   The wise and godly men and women from this morning prayer group have changed me and taught me so much about how to pray.  No longer do I see prayer as big lofty hopes for my dreams to be reality, no longer are they just requests for the little things that impact my day to day life or even the pleas to God for the people in my life in desperate situations. No kingdom prayers are unique.  They call to the God of the Universe to reveal Himself. . . to make known His name among the nation. . to draw His people to Himself. . . to live and move and breathe among us in ways that we can see and feel and experience first hand.    We pray for Him to inhabit our worship and to make himself known in real and tangible ways among us.  

We have prayed for many things. . . . We have prayed as a church to have a heart of repentance,  for a renewed spirit, for restoration of our communities, for redemption of God's people.  But mostly, we have prayed to catch a greater glimpse of God moving.  Moving in our own lives, in the lives of those close to us, in the families that attend our church and in the greater body of believers in Southern Chester County.    

We pray because prayer changes things.  And the most important thing I've seen it change. . .is ME! Somewhere along these last six months I learned that the best way to start my day is in praise and prayer.  And the best way to end my day is in repentance and thanksgiving.  

I don't think I can use words to describe what it looked like to witness the Spirit move through our congregation this past Sunday.  Between the two services, there were over 50 people who got up declared their faith in Christ and obeyed the Lord's command to "Repent and be baptized" from Acts 2 as we were learning that morning.  I spent the majority of the morning with my hands raised in praise and my eyes flooded with tears.  The Spirit's presence was tangible in a way I have never experienced before.  Without words. . .  I just took to music to express the joy I felt in my heart watching the Lord draw people to a deepening relationship with Himself.

Jordan Feliz's song captured it best and my favorite line of that song is .Let's go down to the river. . . You will leave changed. . . never the same!

There's not a soul who entered that worship center this past Sunday who did not leave changed!  Praise God! 

And so it goes. . .

Hey there.  . can I ask for some prayers?  I am on the cusp of something again.  I mean hasn't this entire last five plus years.  . . no ten plus years. .  or maybe 20 plus years.  Oh . . the whole things has been a journey leading me right to where I am today.   But, tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to be taking a big leap.  Another leap of faith.  And the irony of it being leap day is not lost on me.  It might very well take the better part of the next four years for God to do in me what He needs to.  But I am going to keep leaning on Him.  I will set down an Ebenezer stone and declare that

 'Thus far the Lord has helped me'  

 But. . obedience and faith are often accompanied by fear.  So, as I choose to follow Him towards writing this and towards sharing  this journey more publicly, I am struggling with fear of failure.  I am struggling with fear of inadequacy.  I am struggling with the vulnerability of it all.  I don't know. The Lord is laying it on my heart to write through this journey.  The ups and downs.  The peaks and valleys, knowing that only by His Grace will I overcome the obstacles that lie ahead of me.  And that the words of my testimony will be what brings Him the most glory.  So much of my journey has been a soundtrack.  And last year, Overcome by Jeremy Camp is the soundtrack I used to listen to every time I got on the treadmill.  So beginning another step towards getting healthy reminds me of that song.  So here I go. . taking a step out of the boat and onto the water to walk towards Him.  If I want to find comfort. . lasting comfort.. . .

 I know its not going to come from a piece of food, but rather the peace of Christ. 

And the vulnerability of writing about this journey is too big for me to even let more than a few of you know.  But. . again I keep hearing a song.   So, I have had so many reminders of this blog.  Every time 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman comes on I am reminded of it.  Its right there at 40 seconds in.. . . this blog I started back 8 years ago.  I was reminded of this blog during the first weekend of February when I attended the IF:Gathering at church.  I knew I was going to hear from God.  He has spoken to me so clearly the last three years through this gathering of women who are seeking after God.  We sang it twice that weekend I think.  And immediately I remembered that I indeed attempt to write before.  But as with my way, I tried to ignore it.  I tried to push that still small voice to the background.  But thankfully we worship a God who is relentless in leading us on his path.  Well, last weekend it played on Friday when I went to CR to give my testimony at Christ Community Church.  It played on Sunday at church.  It played on Monday at Willowdale CR.  I mean. . how many times?  I knew I needed to get back on here and write and pour out my thoughts and feelings as I go on this journey.

So . . .  here we go.   A new day is dawning. . . . may it glorify His name.

Seek you first . . .

okay. . . so when I sat down with my bible study homework the other day. . . knowing quite well I would be beginning this journey to physical health and wellness I wrote out this prayer.

Father God. . . I want to seek you first. . . before the approval of others, before the comfort of food, before the personal glory of my own accomplishments.  Lord, I don't want to do things that I can accomplish on my own strength.  I want to be stretched.  I want to experience you more deeply.  Lord - only your will - and I want to seek you and if you don't go before me - this will be yet another attempt of self-sufficiency or personal accomplishment.  Lord, only through you is it possible to transform the parts of my self that seeks a piece of food over the peace of Christ.   Lord I lay this at your feet and thank you for the humble ability to take this leap and to rely on you and learn from others who have gone before me in how to care for my body as the temple of your Holy Spirit.

Lord you have been at work in my life taking me on a journey of spiritual health and wholeness. . . and you have provided me so many avenues and people to assist me obtain more freedom in my emotional health. . and Father God the work you have done - and continue to do - in my relational health and well being. . far exceeds anything I could have dreamed of.  But you are a God of the impossible and I present to you this next hurdle. . mountain if you will. . . my physical health and wellness Lord.  Lead me I pray keeping me clinging to your promise that He who began a good work would carry it on to the day of Christ Jesus.  Praise be to God our Father. . the God of all compassion who comforts us in all our troubles.  Thank you Jesus for making a way forward.

A new day is dawning

September 2014

So I have this space. . . I carved this little place out of the internet over 5 years ago and here I am drawn back into it.  Truth be told, I am reading a book called Undaunted and in it Christine Caine tells her story.  The story of how God took a life that seemed to be perfectly fine, content and shook it all up.  Her name is Christine. . and in the book she shared that despite learning she was adopted and un-named at birth . . . God knew her before she was born. . . He knit her in her mother's womb.  He knew her innermost parts.  Her name comes from the Greek and Latin  "Christ follower".   And over the past few years, I have found Christ reminding me that my even before I was born he called me, he named me, he chose me, and called me and has given me a purpose.  And one of those purposes is to share and tell stories.  To share the story that God has been writing on my heart during my lifetime to share with others.  So today I am going to begin. . . begin to revisit this space where I can write out my thoughts and dreams, hopes and prayers, revelations and responses about where God is taking me in this journey.  As Ephesians 2:10 says. . .I am God's masterpeice, his workmanship, created to do good works planned in advance.   So I begin a journey to share the discovery of those plans . . . as I seek to follow God and trust Jesus with my future.  I am going to write down and journal His story in my life knowing that a new day is in fact dawning. . . . knowing that He who began this good work in me has promised to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.

I'm back. . . so check this out!

My good friend, Shannon, at You Ott 2 Know who started blogging around the same time as I did is doing her first giveaway. Check it out!!! There is a new series of books by Precious Moments®, the inspirational figurine and collectible company. . .

Precious Girls ClubTM. The Precious Girls Club is based on an all new book series for girls that revolves around the life of Katie Bennett and a diverse group of her friends. Through the experiences of Katie and her friends, wholesome values are reinforced in a fun and engaging way. Their world is brought to life not only through books, but also through a state-of-the-art virtual world and exciting retail product offerings, including figurines, jewelry, charms, and other related accessories. More than a club, it's a way of thinking and being, a safe place for young girls to discover how wonderful it is to be precious.By visiting the Precious Girls Club virtual world, young girls will be able to create a profile and make friends, participate in fun online games and have access to tools to start their own clubs in their communities. There will also be a charm bracelet component to the club, where members can earn charms by exhibiting "Precious Values" such as acting in loving, kind, helpful and responsible manners. The first book in the series, A Little Bit of Faith, will be available in select gift and specialty stores and online beginning on September 1st. Related charms, figurines and plush dolls will also be available through those same outlets.

This is something that I would love to share with Sydney so I hope to win!!!!!!!!!

Too busy to blog - I've been to the Olympics!

Mini-Olympics that is. . . . this week we had mini-Olympics for the kids in Zach's playgroup at Denise's house. It was SOOO much fun and SOOO tiring. . . each day the kids did a couple events, a craft and we did torch ceremonies, medal ceremonies, and even sang some songs! It was great fun for the kids and I think the adults loved it to. Zach clearly excelled in the shot put ( tin foil balls ) and the javalin ( pool noodles ) but I have the best picture of him doing the long jump too! : )

Check out my little Olympian! : ) To see more pictures click HERE - my friend Shannon has great shots of her daughter doing all the different events! : ) I'll try to get more on here later!

Got Deer?

Have any of you seen those homemade Deer signs around Chester County? Well, my friend Sarah told me that there is a woman who's made it her job to post them all around town in places where deers exist. So, I can tell you one place she FORGOT to put one of these signs. . . right on Rt 52 near my house, that's where!

So yes, today while coming home from Walmart at 2:30 in the afternoon I hit a deer. I have never hit an animal before - okay, I hit a bat once - it flew right into my front grill work. ANYWAY, I hit a deer. . . with both kids in the car. We are all okay. . . there will be pics tomorrow or then again, maybe not. I can just tell you there was lots of hair and the smell was awful! Either way, instead of hanging with the girls and heading to the launch of Chester County Moms in town, I got to spend the night talking with insurance agents, learning about the role of the adjuster, emptying my car of all its "just- in-case" stuff for the kids, securing a rental car for the next few weeks, and finally, figuring out how in the world I will get Zach to VBS - pick up the rental car - and talk to two different reps for my claim - all by 9am! yeah, that's not so easy for me!!!!

So stay tuned . . . I am sure I'll have to post about the explaination of what happened to the deer when Zach asks me again tomorrow. . .

Cloning is illegal, right?

This is Zach and I . . . take a look closely. You will see that everything about us looks THE SAME. Freakishly so, I might add. Now, truth be told, I am squinting from the sun so our eyes really look the same, but he actually has Mark's eyes. However, when you stop to talk with Zach, you quickly learn he has his father's reserved demeanor, he really only warms up with you after he's gotten to know you pretty well. And, he's a watcher not a doer. He only participates once he knows what to do and how to do it. Then, there's the times when he's been up to long without a nap or gone to long between meals and needs a snack - then he can turn on a dime just like his mom! It's what makes him who he is. . . a little bit Mark and a little bit me . . . but all Zach!


Then we have Sydney. . .who has these gorgeous big blue eyes that really scared Mark and I when she was born. We must have called her bug eyes for the first three or four months - until she actually started to grow into these big baby blues. ( Did ya know that you are born with your eyes the actual size they will be for your whole life? They don't grow. Something I have learned now that she has started to "grow" into her eyes and its all getting to be a bit more in proportion!) Now back to Sydney . . . she's not so much a spitting image of me OR of Mark but we can still see it. When you cover those eyes up . . .you can see it too. You can see those little "cheekies" as we call them, and that cute button nose, the chin, the hair, the shape of her face. Its just thrown off by those eyes. But they say the eyes are the window to the soul and after spending almost a year with this little girl, I think I can finally see in there. She's got the best smile. . . and she scrunches up her nose just like I do when she's happy and she is easy-going. . so easy-going NOW that is. We have already forgotten those first five months! :) But she's starting to show us Sydney and I can't wait to learn more. . .

That is one of my favorite parts of motherhood. . . . figuring out the little person that they will be become. Learning what makes them tick, finding out the kind of person they are growing up to be. Stay tuned. . . . and you can learn right along with us!

Facebook?!?

Okay folks. Its 12:22am and I should not be awake. I mean I did take a 2 hour nap today so I am not tired and Mark went to bed at least an hour ago. . . so why is it that I am up doing nothing but playing on this darn laptop tonight? I will tell you. . .

We were going to watch a movie and Mark wants to watch the rest of the baseball game first so I check my email. Well, I got a note from my best friend Laura about doing lunch and she throws in there a one-liner " BTW - why aren't you on facebook?" Okay - I have time to kill and about three people have emailed me about joining them on facebook in the last six months and I have promptly deleted the message but tonight it was as if I was taunted to join facebook via this message from Laura - who also tells me that another friend Kim was requesting my presence on the social network as well.

Sooooooo two hours later. . . I have written to folks I haven't even talked to or seen since high school graduation! I can see this being addictive. . kinda like this blog. . making me get no sleep so I can connect with the outside world via my computer. Is this what my life has come to? I must tell you. . I definitely think Mark is going to think I am having an affair with this computer if he doesn't already!

I rationalized this blog as a way to update friends/family with pictures of the kids. Now I have joined facebook so that I can add more people to connect with when I already don't have enough time to do the things I really need to do in my life. . .

We'll see but my Junior Homecoming date ( who I went with as friends, but my sister actually dated) just IM'd me via facebook and I'm super psyched to chat with him and see how he's been doing! hehehe : )

Happy Birthday Mom!!!!

Today’s my mother’s birthday. She lives in Florida now and our relationship hasn’t really been great for the last few years. When my father died, things got a little crazy between us. . . . We’ve had our share of ups and downs. Although, despite all those ups and downs, I have realized that the one thing that will never change is that I love her. And she loves me too. We don’t always understand each other. . and we certainly don’t always agree with one another, and I’d venture to bet we’d say that we even don’t like each other from time to time, but one thing I am now sure of is that we always love each other. Becoming a mother has completely changed my viewpoint about my relationship with my mother. In an instant you become part of a club that is a complete mystery up until the moment you hold that little baby in your arms for the first time. It’s at that instant that you learn what they mean when they say. . . “only a mother’s love”. Being a mother can be a thankless job at times, but there are moments, that although few and far between, make everything about this whole experience worth the while. So today, I will attempt to share with you some of the most wonderful things MY mother’s love has done for me over the years. . . .

My mother kept a great baby book – full of wonderful memories of her hospital stay, the flowers and gifts and phonecalls when I was born, what my father said first, and much more. It has dates of when I had my first smile and even my first sentence- its all in there! It’s been the inspiration for the scrapbooking that I do today – I consider it my attempt to create that sense of importance for my children that she gave to me.

My mother had an amazing way of being successful in her career as a real estate agent without compromising her family life. If you asked me if my mom worked, I’d say yes, but then I’d have to tell you that I don’t remember when. I know she was there when I got on the bus every day and she was there when I got off. In fact, other kids came to my house before and after school and she watched them. And, when it came time for high school, she changed jobs so that she would be able to keep that balance. You see, she knew she’d have a hard time saying no to clients so she’d be able to go to my lacrosse games or my sister’s band competitions and she didn’t want to miss out on those things. Those small things make all the difference in a kids life. . .and even more of a difference now that I have to keep those same priorities in focus with my own family.

My mother came to pick me up at 1:30 am from a New Years party when I was in 10th grade. Yeah! Who’s mom does that? I was SO MAD! So mad that she wouldn’t just let me spend the night like all of my other friends! You know what, that was and has been noted by me and my friends (also now moms ) as one of the best things my mom ever did. She stuck to her guns despite all of my arguing and man I remember putting up a good fight. But, she wouldn’t let me stay over because she didn’t know the family – turns out some pretty bad stuff happened after I went home and many of my friends have horrible memories of that New Years as a result.

My mother has a gift for seeing the strengths my sister and I have and guiding us towards using those different talents. Whether it was me playing lacrosse or my sister’s artistic talent, she knew how to guide us in the right direction to provide us with the most opportunities for success. In fact, she took us out of Catholic school and put us into public school in 7th grade which provided us with far more opportunities than a Catholic education would have at that time. She also helped me put together a “best of” video from all my lacrosse games in high school to send to each college I was applying to since I was hell-bent on playing lacrosse at the college level. And in the end, she helped me get to Lehigh where I would surely have the best chance at getting a good job out of college. No matter what the decision, she always knew how to guide me in directions that would provide me with the best opportunities. My hope is that I have the ability to see where my children’s strengths lie and guide them in the right paths to success without ever forcing my hopes or dreams on them the way my mother has done for me throughout my life.

My mother read my diary when I was in college because she knew there was something wrong and couldn’t figure out what it was because I never opened up or talked to her. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I hated her for it back when it happened, and I am sure I let her know that too. But today, I sit here realizing that when you love someone that much, you will do ANYTHING to help them and I am thankful that she loved me enough to not just let me deal with those problems on my own. That year she also took me away to Aruba and it was the best vacation I’ve ever been on. I say this knowing that my husband always cringes but in fact, this was the only vacation where I truly rested each day and each night. Never before and never since have I relaxed so thoroughly and I am so thankful for how special she made me feel taking me on that trip just the two of us.

My mother understood that I would find and create my own relationship with God and allowed me to join and attend a Presbyterian church in high school even though she raised me Catholic. Instead of trying to control this aspect of my life, she let me figure it out on my own and come to God in my own time and in my own way. I found God’s love much earlier than I otherwise would have and made friendships that have lasted my lifetime all as a result of that decision. She let me choose my own path and I am very grateful for her open-mindedness during that time of my life.

My mother knew that having the family together for meals was important. She made breakfast for our family EVERY weekend. When she was here last year staying with me when I had Sydney, I clearly remember the nostaligic feelings I got waking up to the smell of French toast. I loved it because it brought me back to a time when life was simple and breakfast just happened without any effort on my part. And it didn’t stop with breakfast, my mother packed me a lunch in a brown bag for school everyday. And dinnertime - we were fortunate and always did dinner together. I know now that there is something so important that happens in a family when you spend that time at the end of each day together. I am so appreciative that my mother modeled that for me since I think it makes all the difference in keeping and raising strong families.

My mother always wrapped my birthday presents in birthday paper (even though my birthday is 12/26) and always made my favorite dinner, lasagna. Even now, she knows how much I love that for my birthday. Last year she was up visiting and things were not so great in our relationship and she still made a lasagna and delivered it to me for my birthday.
My mother has shown me how to have strength and persevere through the tough times. She has taught me that God doesn’t give us anything that we can’t handle with His help. She has helped me get through so many of life’s milestones especially those where I was really missing my dad – like when she sent me Valentine’s day packages when I had no Valentine and when she danced with me at my wedding when I should have been dancing with my dad. She has stepped in to try and fill the shoes of being both my mother and my father and tried to make it feel like we were still a family when all I felt I had was a mom and a sister. She has held my hand through these milestones until I have been able to create a new definition of family on my own which has made all the difference in my healing from the loss of my father. I am so thankful for all of the ways in which my mom has sacrificed her own life for the last 15 years to be everything she could be for me and my sister. I am grateful for her attentiveness and concern despite how it sometimes appeared as meddling and nosiness, because now that I am a mom, I realize that all it really was, was a deep rooted love of a mother wanting her child to be happy, safe, comforted, and secure. And these are all things, I am confident that I will be able to provide for my children because they were provided for for me by my mother.

Mom, I hope you realize how wonderful of a mother you have been and continue to be. . .

Happy Birthday! Love always, Dawn Christine

Cheap Therapy

So my mom's group did a cheap therapy session where we just wrote "stream of conscience" about ourselves to help remember who we are and not get lost in the daily grind of Dora and diapers - here's mine!

I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a sister. I am a daughter, grandaughter, aunt and cousin. I love my family - even with its quirks! I am a Capricorn. I am good with numbers. I love my mom's lasagna. I grew up being called bossy and became a manager. I sing out loud in the car when I am by myself. My dog Yahoo! after how I met my husband. My daughter's named after our honeymoon. I hate being alone - especially going to bed alone. I hate thunderstorms, but I love the smell after the rain. I have a sensitive nose and remember things by their smell. I get cranky without sleep. I always fall asleep in the car which makes me a horrible passenger but I am great with a map - you decide! I love being pregnant - my husband hates it! I can't stand to hear kids crying. I am not a funny person. I just don't get sarcasm. I love people. I will talk with anyone. I randomly stop people when I am shopping to get their opinions. I love with my husband holds my hand. I miss my mom that moved to Florida. I love hugs from my son. I like running. I don't do it as often as I should or would, but I have a goal to run a marathon. I played lacrosse in high school; its why I went to Lehigh University. I dind't play at Lehigh - and its not why I stayed. I love scuba diving but always get worried something will happen to me. My husband completes me perfectly. I save everything. I create (it is an ART) dozens of scrapbooks. A bunch of folks think I am nuts when I show them my books. I am not one for impressing people. I am not a girly-girl. I don't like shoes. I wear a size 10 1/2 ( or closer to an 11 after the second kid!). I am really good at softball. I odn't have good self-esteem, but I think I am really good at softball. I love being a mom. I learned how to love by watching and listening to my grandmothers. I went to Catholic schoo. I hate knee socks. I just learned how to crochet and find it very therapuetic. I believe in God. I want my children to know God loves them. I want them to also know how much I love them. I just sent my first text message last month, but I met my husband online - go figure! I hate doing dishes. I would rather clean the bathroom than do dishes. I am a morning person, not a night owl. I'd go to bed at 10pm every night if I could. I have a compulsion to answer the phone. I think it came from my mother's career as a real estate agent and the fact that I never want to miss anything. I love wearing baseball caps - maybe because my husband always compliments me and hugs me when I am wearing one! I love vegetables. I can't stand working for my food ( ie oranges, chix on the bone ) and don't do it. I used to think I was an organized person until I became a mom, now I know there are LOTS of folks out there more anal retentive then me! I bite my nails. I have my entire life except for the year I was engaged. I am emotional, I am passionate, I am a close-talker - esp. when I drink! People always told me I'd make a good lawyer. I am a big competitor, everything is a game to me. I love a glass of good red wine. I have never broken a bone. I hate hospitals. I look down while I walk in them so as to not see people sick in bed. I wanted to be a pediatrician, astronaut, dancer and a mom when I was younger. I love the smell of mens cologne. I don't read books for leisure, my night table is loaded with self help books of one kind or another ( parenting, mothering, marriage)

I am thankful for my husband - his love has taught me so much more about myself. . .

Sydney's Walking. . .

Yes. . . Sydney began this month taking just a few steps and now as we are ending the month, nothing will stop her. She gets up and walks wherever she wants to go! Its adorable and so cute and I forget what it was like with Zach so its been super fun watching her "go upright" these past few weeks.

6 Quirky Things About Me. . . .

Looks like I got tagged again by Lesley - so here are 6 quirky things about me!

1. When I am playing a board game, I will pick a color piece to match my outfit. Yes, so if I am wearing a red shirt, I will be the red man in Candyland. Unfortunately, Zach picked up on it and now will look at what he is wearing before he decides what color to be! so quirky huh?!?!

2. I like to clean first thing in the morning. . . the very first thing I start doing when I get up. Once I get started I can usually go on a roll. And since I am talking chores, my least favorite is doing dishes. . and maybe that's because there are (in my house) always more at night after dinner!

3. I am a list girl. I need to write things down. Not to remember them necessarily but to make a note of them. I know I think better when I am writing. I used to be so much worse before kids. I make lists of everything, not just grocery or to-do's. . We're talking during the final episode of Survivor I get out paper and start predicting who will vote for who, and can't do it without writing it! When I was a kid I'd watch the Miss America pagent with pen and paper in hand writing down "who I thought was pretty" to see if I could pick the winner. My husband thinks its completely bizarre - probably because he is a thinker/reader and I am a talker/writer.

4. I am emotional and passionate..... about most everything! They say that the only thing worse than hating something or someone is being indifferent to it. I am indifferent to hardly anything in this life although I've learned to keep my emotion/passion contained sometimes since its branded me as a "spaz" on many an occasion since high school! : )

5. I love my name Dawn, Dawn, Dawn. . .I love everything about my name. Hello - its in my blog title! Most of all I like to have things with my name written on it. I love things Personalized! I love meeting other Dawn's, too.

I'm nuts huh??

Wordless Wednesday. . .

This is my daughters crib - and yes, its even on the mirror!

OMG! Yes, it was on her face,

all over her legs and her hands. . .

does she seem to mind - NO

I still can't figure out if she removed the diaper and then pooped, or if she pooped and then removed the diaper.

In my 3 yr old son's words "Sydney went poopy and then played with it"

Sisterly Love. . .

Where do I begin? First, let me start by letting you all know that when I started this blog I did not believe that my life was funny or crazy enough to write about . . . now, I think I am just realizing that sharing it with others is the most crazy part of it all!

Only my sister would. . . come to Cheap Therapy and immediately click with everyone and make the night even more enjoyable!

Only my sister would . . . call crying that she got sprayed by a skunk and pack whatever she could find because she had to leave her house because of the smell! (by the way - her house is up for sale , not a very good selling feature!)

Only my sister would . . . end up staying for the weekend and think she needed to replace water bottles she drank!

Only my sister would . . . not mind that Sydney had pink eye and still let her daughter Gianna play with her!

Only my sister would . . . watch my kids so that Mark and I could have a date night and go see Batman - The Dark Knight (it was great by the way! )

Only my sister would . . . leave for home, get into Downingtown, only to get a call from me that she needed to come rescue us since Zach got us all locked into his bedroom! ( No I am not lying! Thank GOD I had my cell phone in my pocket! )

Well, this was a summary of Friday, Saturday and Sunday at my house. We had no plans for this weekend and probably would have ended up doing a few small projects like cleaning the garage or the office and instead were able to have a fabulous weekend with Karen, Andy and Gianna. I don't know what I'd do without my sister! I think I am going to go through withdraw when she starts back teaching in August. Over the years we've had our share of highs and lows and we really haven't been this close since we went to college - we've talked regularly, and even lived together (although I was gone for most of that experience travelling for work) but I don't think we've ever connected the way we have since both having our daughters this past fall. I'll know I'm going to miss talking to her everyday and spending so much time with her!

I love you Kar!

My Birthday Boy

So, Zachary has turned 3. . . and I am in awe at the concept of the fact that he has been in this world for three years.

Here are some highlights from his birthday party with family and close friends this past weekend. The first was him blowing out candles (the first time - check out the video which is forthcoming to see how he convinced us to let him do it twice! ) Then the morning of his actual birthday with the balloons we had for him. And finally, riding in his new tractor car that we gave him.

I got "tagged" . . .

I know. . many of you are wondering what kind of world did I get sucked into where I make lists of Thursday Thirteens and Meme's about books.

Well, just continue to read and you too can learn more about this world of blogging! :P

So the rules. .
Pick up the closest book and turn to page 123 and in the 5th paragraph - write out the next three (or was it 4 ?) sentances. . .

You are ALL going to laugh at this one. The closest book to me is the Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy - and NO I am not pregnant! My sister just returned it to me and its thrown on my desk instead of being put back in the bookshelf (typical! )

OKay so there are not 5 paragraphs ont he page so I'll improvse! Here it goes: " I still remember the days in each of my four pregnancies when I learned that I weighed more than my husband. I found that the pregnancy appraisal test in the three way mirror was particularly distressing during the middle trimester of pregnancy. By this I mean my breasts were even bigger than they were a month ago, but my waistline had completely disappeared and my belly was starting to pop out enough to provide a resting place for my breasts. This is the period when no one is sure whether you are pregnant or spending too much time at the dessert table, so they dont' mention your appearance."

Okay - so now I tag five others to do the same!
1. Denise
2. Shannon M
3. Nancy
4. Shannon
5. Jenn K

Have fun with this. . . and post a comment here so I can come check them out!